


Still Left in Want of Mercy

by KalynaAnne



Category: Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Helpful AI, Lots of other crew members show up in small roles, POV First Person, Post-Canon, Slice of Life, Spaceship AI - Freeform, Tea, The rating is because Seivarden is Seivarden and has no filter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 07:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21799234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalynaAnne/pseuds/KalynaAnne
Summary: The Republic of Two Systems is about a month old. Seivarden is having yet another crisis - can Mercy of Kalr get her through it? Maybe, with the crew's and Fleet Captain's help.
Relationships: Mercy of Kalr&Seivarden&Breq
Comments: 23
Kudos: 63
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Still Left in Want of Mercy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AuroraCloud](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraCloud/gifts).

> Happy Yuletide! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> The title comes from the song _Starlight_ by the Wailin' Jennys, which is possibly the most Seivarden song I've ever heard.
> 
> Many thanks to my amazing beta Gammarad for helping me turn a very rough first draft into something I'm happy with <3

It had been almost exactly a month since my Fleet Captain insisted on being disconnected from me and leaving on what appeared to be a suicide mission in a desperate attempt to save Athoek Station. Although Lieutenant Seivarden and Lieutenant Ekalu had been back aboard for nearly three weeks already, Fleet Captain had arrived just a few hours ago. The meetings involved in setting up the new provisional republic were finally far enough along that Fleet Captain felt they could survive without her for a few days. Lieutenant Tisarwat and Kalr Two were attending one of those meetings, Bo Three standing with the servants in case her Lieutenant needed anything. Kalr Two was there to speak for me. I don’t know anything about designing a government, but it’s important to Fleet Captain that I’m represented and Two seems to find the process interesting enough. Lieutenant Tisarwat finds the process entirely too interesting. I wonder how much longer I will be able to count her as part of my crew…

\--

On my command deck, Medic was on watch with Kalr Twelve and Kalr Fifteen. All three of them were on edge. From the perspective of watch, things had been relatively calm for the last few weeks, but everyone knew that wouldn’t last forever. I suggested to Fifteen that she make tea. All three of them could use it. 

\--

Fleet Captain was in her quarters, sharing a meal with Lieutenant Ekalu - lunch for Fleet Captain, breakfast for my Etrepa lieutenant. Kalr Five was in the soldier’s mess, speculating with Etrepa Six about what exactly was being discussed that she wasn’t allowed to overhear. Back in my captain’s quarters, Ekalu’s heart rate was elevated as she forced herself to make points that she wasn’t sure Fleet Captain wanted to hear. “Begging your indulgence Fleet Captain, I did what was needed because we didn’t have a choice, but, sir, that isn’t a good way to train officers.” Lieutenant Ekalu hesitated. 

She’s much more confident than she was when she first became my Etrepa Lieutenant, but she still has a hard time believing that her thoughts are going to be taken seriously, that they _should_ be taken seriously. Fleet Captain simply took another bite of fish and gestured for Ekalu to continue. Ekalu took a deep breath and I could feel her actively forcing her shoulder muscles to relax before she spoke. “Sir... if we really are going to do this... we need an active training program, not just access to materials. And... the materials we have all assume we are part of the Radch...” she trailed off and took another deep breath before finishing, “and I’m not sure if any of us are quite sure of _all_ of the implications of the fact that we aren’t any more, but things definitely _are _different.”

\--

At the same time, I was monitoring Seivarden in the gym. She was trying to cope with a complicated mix of negative emotions by punishing her body and I could see signs that she was becoming dehydrated.

Amaat Two had just finished cleaning the airlock pins for one of my shuttles. I got her attention and spoke in her ear, “Amaat, your lieutenant is currently pushing herself to dehydration in the gym. Are you up to taking her tea and helping me have a conversation with her?”

Amaat Two sighed but immediately started stowing her cleaning supplies. “Of course, Ship. I’ll go make tea and meet her in the gym in a few minutes.”

I know her opinion of her lieutenant is complicated. She’s intrigued by Seivarden’s history, relieved that Seivarden doesn’t abuse her decade like their previous lieutenant did, exasperated that she abuses herself instead, and, though she doesn’t like to admit it, worried about what will happen if Seivarden has another breakdown. On top of all of that, she, Amaat Four, and Seivarden also share the kind of bond that only comes through surviving combat together. I know I can count on either of them to help me talk Seivarden down when she gets too into her head. 

It’s frustrating not having bodies of my own that I can use to take care of my crew - especially since I am quite fond of my current officers. Amaat Two and Four would be happy enough to take care of their officer even without my guidance, but they aren’t sure how to help and are aware that if they approach as themselves, Lieutenant Seivarden would most likely push them away. She is more comfortable accepting their help when she can think of them as her Ship and I appreciate them lending me their hands. I know Fleet Captain isn’t exactly comfortable with it, but it works well for us. 

A few minutes later, Amaat Two paused just outside the gym with a flask of tea in one hand and a bowl for her lieutenant in the other. She closed her eyes and took a long, slow breath as she shifted into the posture and blank expression that she uses to imitate an ancillary. She reached out to me silently, “Ok, Ship, I’m ready.” 

I directed her into the gym and printed words in her vision. “Lieutenant, you need to take a break and have some tea. You are getting quite dehydrated.”

Seivarden seemed determined to ignore Amaat Two, to ignore me, so I switched her treadmill into wind-down mode myself. 

“Fuck!” Seivarden clearly wasn't pleased, but she also didn’t switch it back into high gear. “Ship, I fucked up and Breq is going to send me away. I’m not really worried about getting dehydrated.”

I directed Amaat two to set the flask and bowl aside for a moment and to fetch a towel. Seivarden didn’t want to stop her run, but once she had accepted it, she also had no patience for going through the proper wind down. She switched the treadmill off and took the towel Amaat Two offered her, wiping away the sweat dripping from her face. When she was done, Two handed her the bowl of tea and took the towel away. 

As she did, I had her say, “Lieutenant, has Fleet Captain ever actually said she is going to send you away?”

“Well, no. But, Ship, I failed my mission. And I’m clearly not steady enough to be an officer.” She paused briefly to drink some of her tea. “And she wants to promote Amaat One - that’s why she’s back and not in meetings on Station. And Amaat One has been doing great! But she’s clearly being promoted to replace me, which, yeah, is probably the right thing for Breq to do.” She continued, silently, to me as she drank more of her tea, “But Ship, I can’t… I _know_ she should tell me to leave... but I _can’t_…” Her hands tightened around her tea bowl as she fought the urge to cross her arms. 

Amaat Two refilled Lieutenant Seivarden’s bowl. She tensed when she saw the words I’d given her, but read them out anyway. “Lieutenant, should Fleet Captain also discharge Amaat Two and Four?”

“What? No!” Two didn’t show any outward signs Seivarden would notice, but I could see her relax significantly at Seivarden’s vehement denial. Seivarden continued, “No, Ship, Two and Four did brilliantly.”

Amaat Two read my reply, “They were as much a part of the failed mission as you were.”

“Ship. They were up against ancillaries. There was nothing more they could have done. And they stayed steady and held it together and… and they took care of me when I failed them.” Seivarden paused and really looked at Amaat Two. “Two, I never thanked you for that did I?” Two was slightly startled by Seivarden addressing her directly, but Seivarden didn't give her a chance to actually respond. “It has been an honor serving as your lieutenant, soldier. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I’m sorry I’ve been such a _fucking_ mess. You deserve better.” 

Amaat Two still held her face blank, but internally she roiled with emotion. I whispered encouragement in her ear. Lieutenant Seivarden needed to hear her words just then, not mine. 

Amaat Two started hesitantly, but quickly gathered momentum,“Begging your indulgence, sir, but _you were also up against ancillaries_. We all knew going in that the omens were going to have to fall exactly right for us to succeed. And Four and I… well, we mostly laid on the floor and hoped _she_ would forget to worry about us and then went and did repair work in the Undergarden.” She refilled Seivarden’s tea again as she continued. “But you faced the Lord of the Radch down directly and told her off even after she had the gun! And after that you functioned well enough until we got to Fleet Captain’s quarters. And then a couple of days later you went back and _told her off again_ and helped Station buy enough time for Fleet Captain to work things out_._” She paused briefly to catch her breath. “Sir, we both know you aren’t perfect. But I know that I couldn’t have done what you did on that mission. And I’ve never served under a perfect lieutenant. I don’t think they exist.” 

I could tell that Seivarden was struggling to process what Amaat Two was telling her and that Amaat Two was quickly reaching the point where she couldn’t quite believe that she _actually just said all of that out loud_ and panicking slightly. I displayed words in her vision again and she quickly slipped back into ancillary mode. “Lieutenant, the baths are currently open. We should go get you cleaned up.” She collected the tea flask and bowl to drop off in the decade room on their way to the baths and left the room. 

Seivarden stared after her, unsure how to react. I spoke in her ear, "Go on, Lieutenant. You really do need to bathe. Amaat Two won’t bring it up again unless you or I do, but you should think about what she said. Neither of us wants you to leave. And you should really think about talking to Fleet Captain."

Seivarden shook her head, but followed her soldier to the baths. I was pretty sure she wasn’t denying that she should talk to Fleet Captain, but she wasn’t ready to accept what Two and I were telling her either.

\--

While Amaat Two and I were talking with Lieutenant Seivarden in the gym, I also got Kalr Five’s attention in the soldier’s mess and displayed an old cake recipe in her vision, one that I used to make for my officers back when I was new and still had ancillaries. She rolled her eyes and grumbled something about “Ship being sentimental” to Etrepa Six, but also gestured her approval to me as she headed to the decade room. She’s not especially fond of Lieutenant Seivarden, but she knows that Fleet Captain is happier when the lieutenant is happy and, despite all of her grumbling, Five is quite fond of our Fleet Captain.

\--

When Fleet Captain and Lieutenant Ekalu finished their conversation, I showed my captain the conversation Amaat Two and I had with Lieutenant Seivarden. She sighed and asked that I send Seivarden to have supper with her if Seivarden didn’t approach her on her own before then. I could tell Seivarden wasn’t going to approach her on her own, not with her current mindset, but if I told her ahead of time that Fleet Captain had invited her to dinner, she was just going to fret. I went ahead and gave Amaat Two and Four a warning so they wouldn’t plan dinner for her. 

\--

When was time for shifts to change, Lieutenant Ekalu arrived in Command with Etrepa One and Etrepa Five to relieve Medic and Kalr. Medic filled them in on the current state of the system. 

Lieutenant Seivarden, now clean and carefully dressed by Amaat Two, was inspecting her decade and their work. She hesitated when she got to Amaat Four, clearly remembering the conversation she recently had with Two and trying to decide if she should say anything. Unable to bring herself to actually speak, especially with the rest of the decade around, she settled for gesturing approval and thanks to Four and silently asked me to see if Two would let me share the earlier conversation with Four later. Two had been itching to talk to Four about it, so I assured Seivarden that I would make sure Four knows that her lieutenant appreciates her. I could sense Four’s confusion at Seivarden’s gestures, even as she nodded slightly to her Lieutenant with the same blank expression as the rest of her decade, and silently assured her that Two would explain later. Everything was so much easier when all of my soldiers were me and knew everything I did, but I wouldn’t give up my current crew for anything. Things are more complicated this way, but I like having so many people to care about. 

\--

Lieutenant Seivarden was getting ready to head to the decade room for supper when I directed her to join Fleet Captain instead. I could feel her starting to panic, but could tell that nothing I could say would help, so I sent a heads up to Fleet Captain and directed Amaat Four to escort her lieutenant. The suggestion that she needed an escort was enough to get Lieutenant Seivarden moving, though she still wasn’t happy.

Lieutenant Seivarden entered the captain’s quarters stiffly and at attention. My fleet captain was sitting on the bench that serves as her bed with the prosthetic off. Her leg had grown back past the knee and she had it propped up with pillows. Kalr Twelve had been by earlier on Medic’s orders to make sure she was taking care of it. Fleet Captain gestured for the lieutenant to join her on the bench and to Kalr Five to bring them supper. 

Breq took a bite of her vegetables and then gave Seivarden, who was clearly ignoring her food, a pointed look. Seivarden suppressed a sigh and forced herself to pick up her utensil and take a bite as well. For a few minutes they ate in relative silence, Fleet Captain humming as she ate.

Unable to take the suspense, Lieutenant Seivarden finally ground out,“Begging your indulgence, Fleet Captain, but can you _please_ just get it over with?”

I quickly suggested to Kalr Five that she should leave the room and she grudgingly agreed. Fleet Captain knew what Lieutenant Seivarden meant because of the conversation I shared with her earlier, but she looked at our lieutenant with a carefully blank expression, “Get what over with?” 

Seivarden crossed her arms. “You’re really going to make me say it?” she groaned, but continued, “Fine. You’re promoting Amaat One to Lieutenant so she can replace me, right? Since I’ve clearly proven I’m not steady enough to be an officer any more?” She took a deep breath and then, still holding herself tightly, she whispered, “When are you making me leave, Fleet Captain?” 

Fleet Captain looked steadily back at her. “Do you remember the words you threw at the Tyrant when you were defending me? ‘_She_ doesn’t toss people aside when they are suddenly inconvenient or to profit herself.’” Fleet Captain hesitantly reached out and laid a gloved hand on Lieutenant Seivarden’s shoulder. Lieutenant Seivarden froze, though her heart rate shot up. Fleet Captain continued, “Seivarden. I need your experience. The knowledge, experience, and strength that you bring to the table far outweigh your struggles.” She squeezed Lieutenant Seivarden’s shoulder in what she hoped was a reassuring way. “But even if it didn’t, I wouldn’t toss you aside.” 

Lieutenant Seivarden struggled to process this, but came back to herself enough to recognize her posture and force herself to uncross her arms, reveling in Fleet Captain’s touch but trying not to let it show. “But, sir… I know you are planning to promote Amaat One..” she trailed off uncertainly.

I fed Fleet Captain all of the information I was receiving from the lieutenant, encouraging her not to remove her hand, even as Lieutenant Seivarden relaxed slightly. She replied to Lieutenant Seivarden, “I am. We have two systems to defend and right now I only have one ship and three lieutenants I can trust. I do, however, have soldiers that have proven themselves and that I would be happy to see as officers. You’re the only officer I have who properly went through Radchaai officer training, even if it was a thousand years ago. I need you and Ekalu to figure out what officer training in the Republic of Two Systems should look like.”

Lieutenant Seivarden sat quietly, listening, trying to process, and doing her best to carefully control her breathing. Through the information I was feeding her and her own observations, Fleet Captain could see that she was starting to get through to Lieutenant Seivarden, so she continued “We aren’t in the Radch any more and our command structures can look however we decide they should look. As a first step, I want to formalize the role of decade leader, so that, perhaps, each decade has a junior and a senior lieutenant.” She looked carefully at Lieutenant Seivarden, who was still focused on controlling her breathing. “This would give Bo decade a proper leader while Tisarwat is kept away by politics, and it would mean that if you wanted to come down to Station with me sometimes, Amaat would still have a leader and we wouldn’t be leaving Ship short handed.” She kept her hand on Lieutenant Seivarden’s shoulder, singing quietly as she gave our lieutenant time to process.

Lieutenant Seivarden fixated on one small piece of what Fleet Captain had said, “Breq... you would want me to come with you?” 

Fleet Captain paused her singing while Lieutenant Seivarden spoke and then responded, “If you wanted to.”

I could tell Lieutenant Seivarden was overwhelmed and on the edge of tears. It would do her good to let them out. Silently I reached out, “Fleet Captain…” 

Immediately, silently, she responded, “Yes, Ship, I see.” Fleet Captain took her hand from Lieutenant Seivarden’s shoulder and, as the lieutenant made a small, involuntary noise of protest, reached around to Lieutenant Seivarden’s other shoulder and pulled gently.

Lieutenant Seivarden hesitated, afraid of presuming too much, so I spoke in her ear, “It’s ok, Lieutenant. Go on.” Lieutenant Seivarden let Fleet Captain pull her into a hug as she lost the battle she had been waging with her emotions and sobbed “Breq...” and then, muffled by Fleet Captain’s shoulder “Ship…” I don’t think any of the three of us were sure whether she meant me or _Justice of Toren_, but at that moment it didn’t really matter. 

Fleet Captain sang quietly and held Lieutenant Seivarden and gently rubbed her back as she sobbed. After several minutes, Lieutenant Seivarden composed herself, pulled away, and grimaced. “Breq… I’m sorry. I’ve made a mess of your jacket...” 

Fleet Captain smiled fondly as she pulled a cloth out from a cabinet and reached out to dry Seivarden’s face. “You’re far from the first lieutenant to do so, Seivarden, Kalr will clean it.” Lieutenant Seivarden fidgeted slightly as Fleet Captain cleaned her face for her. Fleet Captain continued, thoughtfully, “You know that when I was a ship and you were my lieutenant I was never very fond of you, but neither of us are the same as we were back then. I can’t properly be your ship any more, but _Mercy of Kalr_ and I are both happy to have you as our lieutenant.”

I spoke in Lieutenant Seivarden’s ear, “She’s right, you know.” At the same time I also reached out to Kalr Five and asked her to come back and bring the cakes I had her prepare earlier. 

Kalr Five entered and served tea and cakes, pointedly ignoring the wet patch on Fleet Captain’s shoulder and the redness of Lieutenant Seivarden’s eyes. 

Lieutenant Seivarden’s eyebrows shot up as she ate one of the small cakes. “Mmmm, I haven’t had one of these in _forever._”

Kalr Five kept her face blank, but radiated satisfaction as she replied, “They were Ship’s idea.” Lieutenant Seivarden gestured her thanks to both Five and I as she leaned her shoulder against Fleet Captain’s and savored her tea and cakes, more relaxed and content than she had been in a long time. 


End file.
